Once upon a time in Kanpur, Sanjay, an auto rickshaw driver picked up Justice, a tourist born in New Zealand from the railway station, needless to say at an over priced tariff to compensate for his overdose of Bond endorsed unharmful mouth freshener, which doesn’t ever lead to any side effects, highly recommended by Mukesh (Arre apna Mukesh – ‘mera naam Mukesh hai, aur mujhe kuch nahi hua hai, main har movie se pehle apna chehra aapke popcorn ka taste bitter karne ke liye dikhata hun’).

Sanjay’s auto has a moustached superstar’s picture on the back side, along with those goggles reflecting heart on it! The same picture can be seen on his keychain, in the locket around his wife’s neck, the inner wear of his seventh and the only child as he refers, the first six were girls, and of course, on the water vessel he takes out for a walk every morning in the fields. Justice, who has been touring India for the last three weeks has somehow been familiar with the the nitty gritty of the virgin star icon in question, and the conclusion of his opinions about the star doesn’t allow him to like the worthy “Human Being”. Justice, who is three weeks old in India but not old enough to respect the “culture”and “tradition”of the country decides to share his honest opinion about the animal friendly (slightly partial towards the white ones, doesn’t get along with the black ones) star with Sanjay.  But a highly liberal Sanjay, who likes to respect the culture of his homeland, for once decides to go against it, and taking the path less followed, makes his peace with another person’s opinion. And they both lived happily ever after…

Believe me, it is not a fictional story.

No it’s not fictional!!

Ok its slightly fictional, but Justice is alive, only seven bones broken, hardly even close to death, that’s a good bargain, isn’t it? Only if few toll booth runners in Gurgaon knew about bargaining with the “holy vehicles”, they would have been alive too! (More on that later)

So what is it that makes our country crazy about stars?

Yes, there is a logical connect — they more or less follow the same lifestyle, Sanjay slaps his wife like his favourite star does, Sanjay eats the “mouth freshener” his star boy endorses, he even gets drunk and drives, he also likes to objectify women, beat up people when they are not following his trend, likes to tell his parents that he is virgin even after having seven kids, I mean one according to him, so I get it, there is a lot of similarity. But, he is hardly as lucky as his favourite star, when the last time he hit an old lady on the street, he barely got away with it! Thanks to the goodwill of his same cast shop owners around, who somehow harrowed the useless old lady. Unlike his star boy, whose vehicle never went onto the footpath with people sleeping on it, and which was driven by an “alien” who landed next to the house of Rohit, who fondly called him Jadoo. (Royalty rights of which are still being fought for at the court, handling the case is chief justice “Roshan” Mahanama)

In fact, the chicken that the star eats daily also takes up voluntary death. The chicken community takes it as a matter of pride to land up in the CG helmed six pack abs ridden stomach of the star. P.S. so does the black extinct animals. They have all picked up voluntary deaths.

I personally think it’s the quentessential Indian thinking which makes us go crazy about our stars, which being, ‘jo bada hai woh sahi hai’ — the bigger you are, the right to be right is firmly yours. Your grandfather is always right, your father is always right; yes, he forced you into engineering but he is right, your mother is right, your neighbor who is a blouse stealing uncle is right as well! Aur bada hai toh sahi hai, so are our stars! They come on this big 70 mm screen, and do all the right things like dancing in the bars, driving cars away from the footpath, stalking girls, kissing them without consent, not killing animals, and never ever making a mockery of the judicial system. And when they are so damn right, it’s our duty to worship them, make their temples, pray for them, make them even richer than they already are, fight for them, defend their honour, it’s all part of our responsibility of being an educated Indian. (Educated is an exaggeration in this highly real, and non sarcastic write up)

For whatever reason we continue to love our superstars, it is very important to give them ample screen space in theaters, in order to not make them desperate enough to arrive at a political stage, where they will be forced to share their talent of acting only to do their duty towards us. It is our responsibility to keep buying their tickets, else we will burden them with more power than they already have, and no human should be put in that situation. Be human please!

Random Khujli; just like other Indian parents, does Sanjay’s parents also scold him by saying, “see Sharma ji ka beta got free after being just a passenger in the car driven by Jadoo, and you couldn’t even take Justice for a ride baba, I mean Sanjay”? 😀

A writer-director based out of Mumbai, a Mofilm Cannes Lions 2016 winner, Deepanshu is a film school graduate. He is well-versed with different mediums, including theatre, ad films, brand short films and the feature film hoopla. A trained theater artist who enjoys narrations and working with actors. A hands on writer, who has his views on the Bollywood industry and the biggies, but the child in him surfaces charmingly on travel films. Trained under versatile names, he is known for his energy and enthusiasm among his peers.